Not quite as it happens. . . April 29, 2010

Well, I am behind on my blogging by quite a while.  This is my first blog as a mommy.  Yes it is shameful.  I should have been updating each week, but to be honest.  I did not know what to say and did not want to share.  I just found myself speechless.  Which is not a place I find myself in often.  I view the speechless “thing” as a positive.  Every time I sat down to blog, I got overwhelmed with what to say and just wanted to keep things to myself for a while and not share them with the outside world.  For the past 8 weeks, I have been in a cocoon and it was amazing!  I spent my days with Liam which meant holding him, feeding him, changing him and holding him some more.  The kid did not really get put down at all and because of it, I have a really good baby.  Now, it just might be his temperament or it could be that I am an amazing mother and know exactly what my child needs by his coos, cries and facial expressions.  I choose the later.  I am a good mom.  No, I am a GREAT mom.  It is the most natural thing that I will ever do in my life.  Pretty much it is like breathing for me and when I don’t have Liam with me it is like I am missing an appendage, which is true because he is attached to me most of the time.  Except for when I am eating, I draw the line there.  He just cannot get in the way of me and my food.  Don’t worry, I eat healthy and currently watching portions and all that crap.

So here is a little bit before the baby. . .

This is Frank setting up the crib.  I LOVE this crib and the guy ain’t bad either!  The tree is no longer there and the room is now sage green and brown.  That picture will come later.

This is me on our last trip without a baby.  We went to Seattle to see Bon Jovi and yes it was an amazing concert.  I just love this picture and thought is was cool.  This is Frank driving, he was not as excited as me, but very supportive as always.

This is when we ran into Jon and the boys in Seattle.   No not really, but in my head that is how it happened.  (I got this from Bon Jovi’s facebook page because they post pictures from every place they have concerts.  I like to think he is only posting them for me.  It is like we are REALLY friends.  (Disclaimer:  I fully understand that we are not friends and am just a fan, but loving Bon Jovi is one of the things that keeps me young!)

Well that is all for now because I have to go take a shower, but I promise to keep the pictures coming and update the past several weeks.  SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED YOU BETTER STAY POSTED!

No worries. . .be like a lily January 2, 2010

Do the lilies of the field worry?  No.  I wish I could be one sometimes.  They only have to worry about sun, rain, or an occational weed.  Oh the ease in the life of a plant.  I find it funny that Jesus compares our worry to the lilies of the field.  Really?  A delicate plant?  A plant has not soul, feelings or mortgage for that matter.  I just don’t get it.  I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual.  I only say that because I think most Christians get caught up in the religion of being a Christian and not the one on one spiritual side of it.  If I did not have my relationship with Jesus, none of the past 5 years would have made any sense at all.  God is only out for our best interests.

I woke up worried this morning, thinking about diapers and formula.  Lilies don’t worry about diapers and formula.  I was thinking, “How in the world am I going to pay for all this. . well how are WE going to pay for all this?  I am in a partnership with my husband.”  He would have laughed at me knowing what was going through my mind.  Frank NEVER worries.  He just always knows things are going to work out.  I on the other hand worry, but then I have to remember that God has taken us this far. . .

I remember the day I found out adopting our baby was a slight possibility.  No worry, just pure joy.  I just kept thinking, “These kinds of things don’t happen to us!  But as it turns out they do.  Kind of amazing.  So as I worry about how to pay for the rest of the adoption, child care, diapers and formula, I have to remember that above ALL, God is in control.  Maybe that is why lilies are so calm and collected.  They know that God will provide them with what they need to survive.  As I type, the neighbor dog Lily just walked outside sending my dogs into a frenzy.  Lily is a basset hound and the most laid back dog!  She never worries when my dogs are barking and carrying on in an effort to get her attention.  She never barks back, just whines a little and flips her tail around.  I think I need more lilies in my life as a reminder . . .maybe I should go plant some.

No such thing as normal December 31, 2009

Oct. 26th. . .Ok so I am just ranting.  But I hate the fact that I can not have children the “normal” way.  I totally get the fact that adoption is a beautiful way to bring a child in your life, and am excited about a baby, but I just am frustrated with the process.  I wish people would just google Open Adoption and research it so I could stop telling everyone.  I have always hated being on the outside looking in when it comes to children and not to mention life.  I have always just wanted to be normal.  So I am pitching a fit.  Ugh.

Wow! so that was two months ago. . .I had started this blog that long ago on a very frustrating day.  Funny how I read it now and it seems so different.  This whole adoption thing has been so strange and wonderful at the same time.  I never felt I could feel so attached to a baby that is being carried by someone else.  But one week ago when we had an ultra sound and found out it was a boy, I felt my soul come alive.  It stirred a feeling in me that I have not felt for 5 years and longed to feel again.  No baby will ever replace Brendan, but now life is beginning again.  Life stood still for a while.  Sure it went on around me and I lived it, but there was a huge part on hold for way to long.  Well at least I thought it was too long but apparently, God thinks it is perfect timing. Funny how all of that works.  His timing is perfect.  Because of that I can not worry about being “normal”.  This is my new normal.  Not the way I ever imagined it but can not picture anything different.  I feel like I can finally let go of the frustration and move on to the joy.  When I read in Psalms about “joy coming in the morning”, I can not identify.  I used to long for that day!!!  Now it is here and I have nothing but gratitude.  Yep, life is not how I pictured it, but I can live with that and find the peace, love and excitement in a “road less traveled”.  Isn’t it on those roads where true life happens anyway?

Scars October 18, 2009

We expect God to heal.  That is His business.  We pray for healing of all types throughout our lives because that is what we have been taught to do.   But what do you do when the healing takes longer than you want it to?  Or for that matter longer than your loved ones want?  There is some healing that just takes time and it is different for everyone.  I helped someone I barely know from church tonight deal with the pain of loss.  I am not tooting my own horn, just observing a time in my life when I can give back what I have been given.  And I have been given MUCH.  The grace that people have shown me in the past few years is mind-boggling to me.  Just when I needed it the most, someone would be there to reach out, understand, or just listen.  In the past few weeks I have had the similar opportunity to pray for return the favor to a few of my friends.

There were so many times in the past few years where I would BEG God through the tears to let the hurt fade into a distant memory.  But He was not responsible for that, I was.  He hates it when we have to hurt and writhe in emotional agony.  You just have to consistently deal with our emotions and grief in order to heal.  Dealing is like the bandage that you have to change frequently.  It is sometimes painful, but necessary to avoid infection.  No matter what situation has gotten us to the point of being on our knees, He is there.  There are times when God is silent, but the silence does not mean solitude from Him.  Just the opposite.

Wounds heal but they always leave their mark.  I am finally at a point of healing where there is a scar instead of a scab.  I have a scar on my knee from a time I fell running in flip flops as a kid.  My dad picked me up, hugged me and gave me his handkerchief.  He told me I would be ok and eventually I was.  When we lost Brendan, he did a similar routine.  But this time there was no blood or easy fix with a band-aid or a hankie.  He told me that someday I would not hurt like I was at the time, but that I would never the same.  He was right, it took longer than I would have preferred, and I came out different on the other end.  For the better because I understand God at a depth that I had no idea about before the loss.

God’s love for us is tremendous.  He knows our pain, because He has been there when he had to turn his back on His own Son.  Because of that love we are eternally forgiven.  I have no choice but to follow.  I don’t understand why we have to go through pain and agony.   I will never understand why the innocence of children is taken or why people have to suffer tragedies that they never expect.  But I do understand the love of God and how His love is a depth that goes beyond comprehension.  It leaves me speechless in that quiet moment of inner worship, that only He knows.  “You have searched me and know my inner thoughts”.  For that Lord, I am eternally grateful.  You are more than I deserve, but thank you for the scars because that means we have drawn closer to You.

God’s delays are not God’s denials October 11, 2009

A couple weeks ago one of my facebook friends posted her status as loving the sermon titled God’s delays are not God’s denials.  This captured my thoughts because we were on our way to have lunch with the wonderful girl who is letting us adopt her baby.  For a long time I felt so fustrated and at a loss to why Frank and I had to struggle so much to have a family.  I am not going to lie, I was really angry with God.  I felt like He was denying my desire to have a child and I did not understand it.  He created me with a LOVE of children and a desire to be a mom.  Doesn’t He promise to give us the desires of our heart?  I knew I would never walk away from Him, but the cool part is that he allows us to be mad at Him.  I am not saying I always handled things well or let myself grieve when I needed to.   Every turn we made seem to be a dead end that only led to heartache and more frustration.  But in the last month, there has been a light at the end of the tunnel.

A month ago I was in shock that someone would want us to raise her baby.  In a way, I still am.  After reading all the facebook posts tonight in response to the ultra-sound picture, I have to say, I am excited.  Frank and I keep telling ourselves that there are still things that could happen, like the father not signing off on the paperwork, or not having the money or the birth mom not having insurance. You know, little things like that.

Risk.  There is always a risk.  But I have gotten to the point where I would rather put myself out there and risk than sit and be in a miserable depressed state of just wishing and hoping.  THIS situation is the real deal.  She is just as excited as we are.  She is so happy to have a couple like Frank and I raise her baby.  The best part is that she will always be Mama Jill.  I can never change that.  She is going to give our baby life and nutrients and love, but we will have the honor of taking that baby and nurturing, loving  and raising a beautiful human being.  So much goes into parenting and she really understands that.  She knows we will be able to give the baby things that she can’t.  She knows her limitations and as hard as it will be has already began to make peace with it.  Isn’t that what God asks us to do?  To know our limitations and ask Him for help and assistance?  So by sharing with the world, it helps me to ask for assistance and understand how God works.

When she showed me the ultra-sound picture, she said, “Here is your baby!”  It still feels weird that my baby is out there in the world in someone else’s body.  But I think that is the way it is supposed to be.  God loves the little details and providing the answers just in His own time.  It is not always the way we picture it or understand it, but He is always on time.  He delights in giving us the desires of our heart.  God does not delay, He delights!

Life’s update September 28, 2009

Well we had out lunch today and it went great.  She is a great girl and has her mind is made up.  Frank and I should be the ones to raise her baby.  She could not imagine anyone else doing it.  I feel so honored!  It is all working out the way it is supposed to be.  When she showed us the ultra-sound picture, she said, “Here’s your baby!”  I just looked at her with tears in utter disbelief.  I have known for two weeks for sure and still can not believe it.  There are definiate feelings of being unsure and guarded, but I am really trying to push those aside, they only hinder the process.  I have decided to share it with the world because I am doing things different things differently.  I guess that is the hope of the future.  “For I know the things I have planned for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jerimiah 29:11.  This has been my life verse for a long time.  I even have it tatooed on my ankle.  It has gotten me through a lot of tough times, especially the last 6 years. But I finally feel that things are coming together.  She is very sure of her decision which is good.  I just have to believe that everything will work out.  The funny thing is that I am not scared or freaked about anything.  It has all come together so far and God is good and always comes through on His promises.  So our future is in His hands and we just have to trust and believe.

Way too long. . . September 20, 2009

Yikes!  It has been almost a year since I posted last.  There have been several times throughout that year that I have thought, oh this is blog worthy, but then I just get too busy and blow it off.   But now, things are really picking up in our life and I want to document it for the future.  This is a big one for me because honestly, I like to keep certain things to myself so I don’t set myself up for disappointment or failure.  If I don’t share, then no one knows about it right?  Wrong!  Well it always gets out there so I might as well get ahead of it.  Being the constant control freak that I am.  Oh I laugh at myself for that one.

As I posted on Facebook last week, we know a girl who wants us to adopt her baby.  She is my massage therapist.  When I posted it one of my friend’s husband said, “Wow, she really put it out there.”  I had to laugh because putting things out in the universe makes me nervous.  What if things don’t work out?  What if she changes her mind?  What if we get disappointed?  But before I knew it, I had clicked the keys to enter my status and hit update.  Yikes.

The response I got was overwhelming.  I had not shed a tear until I began reading everyone’s encouraging words!  Wow. . .I knew people cared, but I was just amazed.  A lot of you gave us advise on who to call, or where to get and attorney, or just that you would be praying for us.  It all reminded me that I needed to let in our friends.  There is a huge part of me that just wants to not say anything and just deal with everything on our own and feels so silly when I talk about this adoption.  All of this is emotional stuff and I hate that.  Big surprise huh?  I like things to be logical and organized and none of this is logical.  It brings up emotion.  Like when I talk to my mom about it.  Oh my!  The woman can not talk about it without tears in her eyes.  I have to say it makes me crazy!  I know she loves me and is over the moon for us, but I like to keep it neat.  I feel like sharing is my challenge right now.   But I also feel like that is a place I need to grow in and God is saying “I am giving you something good.  Deal with it!”  I am doing my best.

I have known for about a month that this was a possibility.  It was one night in Aug. when my chiropractor’s office added me to a late night schedule to a girl named Jill.  I had not seen her in about a year and as I look back now I see how God was woven into that night and the conversation we had.   It came up that she was pregnant and that it had been an accident.  She asked me if I had any children and I replied no.  She joked and said, “Well, I am having one in March if you want it.”  I thought in my head, girl don’t even joke about that.  So she began to unfold the story to me and I just listened.  I did not hate her because she had gotten pregnant by a guy she did not love or judge her at all.  I simply thought, wow life is going to be tough for her, how can I help or be a friend?  She is a pretty amazing person.  So she asked me, have you and your husband ever thought of adoption and I said yes, but we just needed the right situation.  Agencies never appealed to us so we have not pursued it.  So she told me that her parents  had been urging her to adopt the baby out because she was not in a place where she could care for it.  She continued on and I just listened.  She finally said you know if there was anyone I would want to give my baby to it would be you and your husband.  I like you both and know you would give my baby what I can’t.  I was stunned.  I actually had not even wanted to get that involved with the baby part at that point because I could hear the doubt in her voice.  But as we talked and shared our beliefs and truths,  we both realized that this could be and answer for both of us.

As I drove home I was simply amazed.  This doesn’t happen to us!  I mean out of no where!   I shared it with Frank and it was hard to describe.  I even have a hard time describing it in these words.  It was just one of those situations that was meant to be.

Well a week later I had another appt. and I thought it was with someone else but it was with Jill.  As the session started she told me she had not even considered adoption until that night.  On the way home she called her mom and cried telling her about our amazing conversation.  She then followed up with calling her cousin who is a family law attorney to understand the process.  Throughout the whole time, I was not nervous once.  I just kept encouraging her to think it through and make the best choice for her and her baby.  I would be her friend no matter what.  We had a great conversation about God and I thought that in the very least I could witness to her.

So after that we exchanged numbers and she told me she was having an ultra-sound in the next couple of days.  I thought about her on that day, but was not obsessed, after all, I had a classroom to set up and that offered a great distraction.

So here we were, about two weeks later, on the way to a Def Leppard/Poison concert with our friends who also have no children and have similar struggles that we do.  Not fifteen minutes before Jill called we were laughing and joking about all the stupid things people say to you when you have fertility issues.  They had asked us where we were at and we simply said that it is on a shelf for a while.  We were stuck in traffic and just wasting time when her call came up on my phone.  I answered and she was very happy and nervous all at the same time.  I was even more stunned because I had not thought about it at all until that point.  I had been so busy with the first week of school that it just escaped my brain.  So after the concert, I posted and that is about all I have done.  I have a really good contact that was out of the country last week so I am going to start there on Monday.

My mom, again through teary eyes told me this weekend that “God has been working upstream this whole time”.  Even though I told her to stop your crying I know she is right.  I have felt for a while that we have been on calmer waters and that we both feel whole again.  I still feel hesitant but when I do I just have to hand it over to God and not worry about it.  I bought a onesie yesterday in the hospital gift shop along with some cute baby frog garland.  My dad told me yesterday that when a person starts to make steps forward that is when God has things fall in line.  I believe that with all my heart.  Maybe I should just go clear out the room that will be the babies and fully set it up.  Hmmm. . .my mind is saying whoa girl, but my heart is saying, “I think you should decorate in browns and greens.  Stick around to see which one wins.

New hope December 12, 2008

Ok for the past four year since we lost Brendan, I have had a hole in my heart. Not just with the loss of him, but with the constant frustration of not having answers. From God and our Drs. Being a Christian all my life I understand that God does not always give you answers and you have to live with tha at times. But with these issues of fertility and loss, it has haunted me. It is never far from my thoughts and even though I have healed and found a way to move on, but there has always been a hole that I have tried my darnedest to pray away. I can not tell you how many sobbing prayers I have prayed to just take away the desire to have my own children. But this is not what this post is about.
I have a new Dr. who is pretty darn awesome! I started seeing him a month ago and he has filled in some “holes” in the puzzle of my life in the past 4-5 years. First, he really wanted to know all about Brendan. No one has ever asked questions about him and why we lost him. He was looking at one of the blood tests from my 2nd Dr. that I had never seen. He found the anti-body for Lupus. Now I don’t have Lupus, but the anti-body can attack a fetus. It is a problem that can be easily fixed with hepron and asprin. The second thing he did was check to see if my ovaries were working, and they were. Now I have only heard from the nurse about these blood tests so I don’t know the details. But she said the ovary tests came back “normal”. Three he will send me to a pre-neonatologist (sp? I better learn to spell it) that will talk about the anti-body.
The reason I feel hopefull is because when I got home there was a message from the nurse. I honestly had not thought about it all week. No obsessing, no getting tears, no anger, just peace.
From the moment I got all these pieces put into place, I have had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I just feel grateful. I have gotten to the point in all this where I finally feel like God is answering my prayers for guidence and the right path. A lot of people wonder why we have not adopted, because we would be happy and could move on. This has never been a good enough reason for me. I never felt like that is where God wanted us to go at the time. There have been short amounts of time when I have wanted to persue adoption, but it has never felt right. Whether the answer came from agencies not calling us back, or timing being off, or other issues such as husband not wanting to. Minor detail! It just hasn’t been right for us. It seems like an “easy fix”, but WE did not see it that way.
As I sat in the new Dr. at OHSU, and he filled in answers to questions I really did not know I had. We just never knew what to ask. I just sat there so relieved. At one point he asked me if when I got the rest of the answers, would I be ready to move on. And I could honestly say yes! I just felt so relieved to have some answers. As I have been going throught the last few weeks of blood work and such, I have just had hope and a peace! I can not tell you how good that feels. Watching others start and complete their families has left me feeling like an outsider, never fully being able to engage in conversations about family and children. I just have been left feeling empty, envious and lonely. Sometimes it has NOT been pretty. . .I admit that and my thoughts have definately not been holy. But I really feel like we are coming upon a time when God is going to answer some prayers. A lot of you have had hope for me but there was a time when I just did not have any and thought y’all were crazy for hoping for me. Now I feel hope and peace that passes all understanding. I just feel so blessed to be here at this point. I see where I have grown and moved on in my life and I am proud of that.

As time goes by. . . October 19, 2008

A couple weeks ago I wrote about things I haven’t really shared with people in general.  I remember feeling the daunting feeling of upcoming dates that remind me of pain, loss and hopelessness.  As the anniversary dates came and went, I was sad, but it was different this year.  I will always wonder what Brendan would have looked like and what his personality would have been like.  I will always miss him and feel like there is a missing piece in our family.  But now I can really be satisfied and happy with the thought of spending eternity with him.  And that is a heck of a lot longer than the lifetime I would have spent with him here.  It gives me hope.  I have HOPE.  Hope is a funny thing.  For so long people have told me to have hope, I have heard sermons on hope, and read scripture about it.  But I never felt it.  I would just tell people to hang on to that hope for me.  When I left Palm Springs my friends gave me a surprise going away dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant.  They gave me nine black balloons because the were sad I was leaving and one purple one.  I asked my friend who was a Christian what the purple one was for because it was number 10.  She smiled and said that one is for your future and the color purple signifies hope.  I looked at it and said thank you and did a little smile and said, “Oh that is so sweet”.  I then promptly told myself that I had none.  I had just come off a devastating try at invitro where no egg fertilized and I was still seathing at the Lord.  I did not want to let on that I had none so I just did what I always do. . ignored it.   I often think of those balloons and the friends who had gathered to say goodbye and I just hated that purple balloon.  I took it home and popped it. 

The coming of fall has been dreaded for a few years, but this year I just see beauty and grace all around me.  I feel the Hope.  Today I met friends for coffee and later went to the pumpkin patch with some other friends.  I am so blessed to have each one of them in my life!  I have avoided pumpkin patches because they are filled with families who have hope and happiness.  I used to think that only came in a stroller of baby bjourn.  But it is not just there it is in our whole future.  We don’t know what that is and there are no guarenties that we will not suffer loss or grief or unhappiness.  With much healing, I can feel hope and appreciate other people’s happiness because I know that the Lord is doing a good work in me.  I have hope in HIM!  It seems so simple as the words come before me on the screen, but to actually feel it, is amazing and an act of grace.  The beautiful people in my life have held on to the hope for me for a long time through prayer, thoughts and dreams.   My friend told me about a dream she had last night where I was wearing this horrible hand-me-down maternity shirt that she, her sister-in-law, and friend had all worn through their pregnancies.  She told me that she had woke up mad at me because I was wearing the shirt.  But then after thinking about it she said she doesn’t think she was mad at me, just mad because, “Jen should be able to wear that shirt too.”  Even though it is out of date and I wouldn’t wear it anyway.  This dream was had on the night we both got finished with Women of Faith.  I am left to wonder, is this another way people are holding on to faith for me?  I hope so, because now I am at a place where I can believe it myself.  That is so refreshing. 

I have been letting my own doubts and fears of the future to block the way that God is preparing for me.  God is bigger than my dreams, bigger than the finacial “road blocks” I THINK I see, and bigger than any doubt I have.  He is the one guiding my future and by releasing that, I can let go of bitterness and frustration and savor what is in store for me in the present.

Today at the pumpkin patch I got to laugh, ride a tiny little train, and spend time with very dear friends.  I feel blessed.  I feel happy.  I feel gratitude in the beauty that surrounded me.

I feel HOPE.

The blessing of Grace October 12, 2008

I am sitting on my couch trying to download all of the new schema that I have developed over the past 24 hours.  First and for most – I love being a woman.  God made us at our core to love and serve one another.  He has given us the spirit of compassion, the ability to nurture, disernment, and at the core. . . joy.  Now there are times when we bite at each other and tear and nash at the weaknesses of others.  There are times when we do not  exhibit the qualities of a Proverbs 31 women and we turn against one another in petty bitterness.  I have been guilty in getting caught up in feeling self-righteous and indignant when others crush me at the very center of my soul.  I some how feel frustrated when given these circumstances and “seek the counsel” of others.  I just usually want to feel entitled to my anger and hurt or frustration.  But what I was reminded about grace this weekend, reminded me about extending grace in ALL circumstances.

The theme for the weekend was Infinate Grace.  Over the years, I have experienced God’s grace through many situations, people and circumstances.  I remember when I first understood the definition of when, after we lost Brendan, my mom telling me she was so happy that there were people in my life to give me grace.  I did not know what that meant because I only saw it as forgiveness that Jesus extended to us and did not understand how other people could show me grace.

What I have come to realize is that grace is an action.  It is what we do for one another because of the Love of Jesus.  For so long I only thought it had to do with Jesus forgiving our sin, but it is because he died for us that we can extend it to others.  It is through the things we do for our sisters and brothers to better thier life and bless them.  It often comes through forgiveness, but it is not limited to it.  It comes when we can meet people in their time of need right where they are.  It is when we catch their tears on our shoulders and stroke their hair in comfort.  It is when we forgive someone no matter what, because we know that deep down they have hurts in their past that cause them to treat us in a way that is harmful.  It is shown when we bring them a dinner or babysit when needed.  I get so jived up when I think about it because it it the beauty of Christ that allows us to do these things for each other.  Grace is not always easy and we have to be ready to give and receive it.

I have recieved a lot of Grace over the past 4 years.  There have been many prayers, words of enouragement, and wonderful things done for me.  As I sat there today, I was so overwhelmed to think about all the ways I have been blessed by others.  I have SO much to be thankful for  and I have such gratitude to my Lord because I have been RICHLY BLESSED with friends and family that love me and accept me for who I am.  I feel like I am in a place to start returning that grace back out into the world.  We go through cycles in life and He builds us up to follow the path He sets before us.  As I stand at the threshold of our I am only here because of the grace I have been shown.  Some of this has come directly from Him and other times it came from Him through the people in my life.  I can not begin to thank those who are in my life that constantly bless me.  I hope you all know how much I love you and Thank God for YOU!  You are a part of my story of grace and restoration and healing.   Healing is work and it is a choice.  I feel stronger than I have in a long time.  I will always miss my son and that is ok.  But now I need to move forward with an “expectant” mind.  Though there was grace all around me, I got bogged down with my own self doubt and thoughts of unworthiness because of poor planning.  But as I learned today, I need to move on from the past, because it does not exist anymore.  There are pieces of the past that we will always have with us because we need to learn, but that does not mean we have permission to deny ourselves the dreams and desires God has for us.   So i need to get out of His way and prepare my heart for what lies ahead!!  See you in the future!