A couple weeks ago I wrote about things I haven’t really shared with people in general. I remember feeling the daunting feeling of upcoming dates that remind me of pain, loss and hopelessness. As the anniversary dates came and went, I was sad, but it was different this year. I will always wonder what Brendan would have looked like and what his personality would have been like. I will always miss him and feel like there is a missing piece in our family. But now I can really be satisfied and happy with the thought of spending eternity with him. And that is a heck of a lot longer than the lifetime I would have spent with him here. It gives me hope. I have HOPE. Hope is a funny thing. For so long people have told me to have hope, I have heard sermons on hope, and read scripture about it. But I never felt it. I would just tell people to hang on to that hope for me. When I left Palm Springs my friends gave me a surprise going away dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant. They gave me nine black balloons because the were sad I was leaving and one purple one. I asked my friend who was a Christian what the purple one was for because it was number 10. She smiled and said that one is for your future and the color purple signifies hope. I looked at it and said thank you and did a little smile and said, “Oh that is so sweet”. I then promptly told myself that I had none. I had just come off a devastating try at invitro where no egg fertilized and I was still seathing at the Lord. I did not want to let on that I had none so I just did what I always do. . ignored it. I often think of those balloons and the friends who had gathered to say goodbye and I just hated that purple balloon. I took it home and popped it.
The coming of fall has been dreaded for a few years, but this year I just see beauty and grace all around me. I feel the Hope. Today I met friends for coffee and later went to the pumpkin patch with some other friends. I am so blessed to have each one of them in my life! I have avoided pumpkin patches because they are filled with families who have hope and happiness. I used to think that only came in a stroller of baby bjourn. But it is not just there it is in our whole future. We don’t know what that is and there are no guarenties that we will not suffer loss or grief or unhappiness. With much healing, I can feel hope and appreciate other people’s happiness because I know that the Lord is doing a good work in me. I have hope in HIM! It seems so simple as the words come before me on the screen, but to actually feel it, is amazing and an act of grace. The beautiful people in my life have held on to the hope for me for a long time through prayer, thoughts and dreams. My friend told me about a dream she had last night where I was wearing this horrible hand-me-down maternity shirt that she, her sister-in-law, and friend had all worn through their pregnancies. She told me that she had woke up mad at me because I was wearing the shirt. But then after thinking about it she said she doesn’t think she was mad at me, just mad because, “Jen should be able to wear that shirt too.” Even though it is out of date and I wouldn’t wear it anyway. This dream was had on the night we both got finished with Women of Faith. I am left to wonder, is this another way people are holding on to faith for me? I hope so, because now I am at a place where I can believe it myself. That is so refreshing.
I have been letting my own doubts and fears of the future to block the way that God is preparing for me. God is bigger than my dreams, bigger than the finacial “road blocks” I THINK I see, and bigger than any doubt I have. He is the one guiding my future and by releasing that, I can let go of bitterness and frustration and savor what is in store for me in the present.
Today at the pumpkin patch I got to laugh, ride a tiny little train, and spend time with very dear friends. I feel blessed. I feel happy. I feel gratitude in the beauty that surrounded me.
I feel HOPE.
I am symbolically sending you the biggest bunch of purple balloons you’ve ever seen. Really, there are so many you can’t walk in your front door.
stomp them and mush them into wine of you want to….I’ll come drink it with you too.
Oh I just LAUGHED. . .OUT. . .LOUD! I heard Amy Pohler reading it in her sarcastic voice. I love you my friend!
I love to see you growing in your trust that God knows the desires of your heart before you even verbalize the and Turning our dreams over to Him for “Safe Keeping” is a huge step of faith. I too have “Hope” and trust that our Father God will continue to reveal himself to you. God can make incredible things happen, that we can’t even imagine now. I can hardly wait to see what they are. In the meantime , we’ll just let hope sustain us. Like Jen, I too would love to give you a huge bouquet of purple balloons . Jen ‘s comment made me laugh too. Love , Mom
I hope my responce made sense. I should have proofread it. What I was trying to say was:God knows the desires of your heart before you even verbalize them.
Of course it makes sense. I did not even catch it. I know what you are trying to say. Thanks for your 2 cents! I love ya ma!
Thank you for letting me peer into your heart. I am sorry for your loss. And I am sorry that this path to being a Mother has been so painful.
Ten years ago we watched our infant son take his last breath, and through great sorrow trust the very one who gave him that breath. Our following pregnancy I miscarried, and felt hopeless. This summer I spiraled into a deep dark depression I had never known before, and clung fearfully to the Lord, although I could not feel Him. There were days I stayed in the Psalms repeating aloud “You have exalted above all things your name and your word. I hope in your word.” because I knew that I couldn’t trust my feelings, but the Word of God is faithful. He is faithful to sustain us.
I say this hoping you hear empathy in my words and know that you are not alone as you wait on the Lord. Praise God you feel joy and hope. You will be in my prayers.
Oh Roberta, thank you for you kinship. It is nice when someone understand. I remember the time not so long ago of a deep dark depression. I remember not feeling the Lord and I just kept looking for peace in the Psalms also. I have felt all of the same things that you have and trusting in His word is the only way I got through. Even when I did not feel Him, he was always there. I totally understand the “Footprints” poem now. I always thought it was corny, but when I walked that road, I really began to understand. Your words have helped and I appreciate them. I am so glad we met all those years ago. . .Thank you Mt. View!