New hope December 12, 2008

Ok for the past four year since we lost Brendan, I have had a hole in my heart. Not just with the loss of him, but with the constant frustration of not having answers. From God and our Drs. Being a Christian all my life I understand that God does not always give you answers and you have to live with tha at times. But with these issues of fertility and loss, it has haunted me. It is never far from my thoughts and even though I have healed and found a way to move on, but there has always been a hole that I have tried my darnedest to pray away. I can not tell you how many sobbing prayers I have prayed to just take away the desire to have my own children. But this is not what this post is about.
I have a new Dr. who is pretty darn awesome! I started seeing him a month ago and he has filled in some “holes” in the puzzle of my life in the past 4-5 years. First, he really wanted to know all about Brendan. No one has ever asked questions about him and why we lost him. He was looking at one of the blood tests from my 2nd Dr. that I had never seen. He found the anti-body for Lupus. Now I don’t have Lupus, but the anti-body can attack a fetus. It is a problem that can be easily fixed with hepron and asprin. The second thing he did was check to see if my ovaries were working, and they were. Now I have only heard from the nurse about these blood tests so I don’t know the details. But she said the ovary tests came back “normal”. Three he will send me to a pre-neonatologist (sp? I better learn to spell it) that will talk about the anti-body.
The reason I feel hopefull is because when I got home there was a message from the nurse. I honestly had not thought about it all week. No obsessing, no getting tears, no anger, just peace.
From the moment I got all these pieces put into place, I have had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I just feel grateful. I have gotten to the point in all this where I finally feel like God is answering my prayers for guidence and the right path. A lot of people wonder why we have not adopted, because we would be happy and could move on. This has never been a good enough reason for me. I never felt like that is where God wanted us to go at the time. There have been short amounts of time when I have wanted to persue adoption, but it has never felt right. Whether the answer came from agencies not calling us back, or timing being off, or other issues such as husband not wanting to. Minor detail! It just hasn’t been right for us. It seems like an “easy fix”, but WE did not see it that way.
As I sat in the new Dr. at OHSU, and he filled in answers to questions I really did not know I had. We just never knew what to ask. I just sat there so relieved. At one point he asked me if when I got the rest of the answers, would I be ready to move on. And I could honestly say yes! I just felt so relieved to have some answers. As I have been going throught the last few weeks of blood work and such, I have just had hope and a peace! I can not tell you how good that feels. Watching others start and complete their families has left me feeling like an outsider, never fully being able to engage in conversations about family and children. I just have been left feeling empty, envious and lonely. Sometimes it has NOT been pretty. . .I admit that and my thoughts have definately not been holy. But I really feel like we are coming upon a time when God is going to answer some prayers. A lot of you have had hope for me but there was a time when I just did not have any and thought y’all were crazy for hoping for me. Now I feel hope and peace that passes all understanding. I just feel so blessed to be here at this point. I see where I have grown and moved on in my life and I am proud of that.

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