Oct. 26th. . .Ok so I am just ranting. But I hate the fact that I can not have children the “normal” way. I totally get the fact that adoption is a beautiful way to bring a child in your life, and am excited about a baby, but I just am frustrated with the process. I wish people would just google Open Adoption and research it so I could stop telling everyone. I have always hated being on the outside looking in when it comes to children and not to mention life. I have always just wanted to be normal. So I am pitching a fit. Ugh.
Wow! so that was two months ago. . .I had started this blog that long ago on a very frustrating day. Funny how I read it now and it seems so different. This whole adoption thing has been so strange and wonderful at the same time. I never felt I could feel so attached to a baby that is being carried by someone else. But one week ago when we had an ultra sound and found out it was a boy, I felt my soul come alive. It stirred a feeling in me that I have not felt for 5 years and longed to feel again. No baby will ever replace Brendan, but now life is beginning again. Life stood still for a while. Sure it went on around me and I lived it, but there was a huge part on hold for way to long. Well at least I thought it was too long but apparently, God thinks it is perfect timing. Funny how all of that works. His timing is perfect. Because of that I can not worry about being “normal”. This is my new normal. Not the way I ever imagined it but can not picture anything different. I feel like I can finally let go of the frustration and move on to the joy. When I read in Psalms about “joy coming in the morning”, I can not identify. I used to long for that day!!! Now it is here and I have nothing but gratitude. Yep, life is not how I pictured it, but I can live with that and find the peace, love and excitement in a “road less traveled”. Isn’t it on those roads where true life happens anyway?
Jenn…
I am simply amazed at your strength and courage that you have displayed during this trying, but joyous process. Your willingness to share your ups and downs… your openness even during the most vulnerable of times… the frustrations… and the celebrations. You inspire me in so many ways and for that I am thankful that you are willing to share your thoughts and feelings along the way. You are going to be the most amazing mom to this new little man! What a lucky guy to be blessed with such an opportunity to be a Falkowski…
Know that you have many friends that are willing to help out in anyway you need. Just let us know!
Love, Kaili
I love ya Kaili and feel blessed to know you! Thank you for your encouragement!
What a transformation in the last 5 years. God has truly blessed your growth and trust in him. Isn’t it amazing to experience the change in your attitude about what is normal and to be at peace and joyful about it. I am so happy to watch you walk the road less traveled. Praise the Lord for his blessings. February can’t come soon enough.