Well, I feel it. . .not as strong as past years but it is there. Now I just have to own it and write a few lines about it. Fall has always been my favorite time of year and I truly missed the change when I was living in the desert. I love the colors, the crispness and the rain. I have said many times that I am so thankful to be back in Oregon where I can enjoy this display of beauty. But I am ignoring what I wanted to write. Fall changed for me a few years ago.
As I was falling asleep last night my subconscious came into my conscious and saddness over came me. It always comes out of no where and is uncontrollable. My first thought was, four years ago today I was still pregnant.
Now if you are tired of hearing about this. . .stop reading. This is my blog and I am owning my feelings so I can move forward in life. If you think I should move on, then you need to move on. I don’t know why I feel so defensive. I guess that is just my way of standing up for myself and claiming my life.
I remember last the weekend before my world crumbled very well. Frank went with some guys at our church to Promise Keepers and I was on my own. I went to dinner with a friend whose husband was with mine. I got a new bed on Sat. because the weekend before my husband had bought me a temperpedic because my back was so sore all the time. I love that about him. When he got home on Sat. we went to dinner with the guys of PK and their wives. It was at my favorite cajun resturant in the desert and I remember feeling so blessed to have amazing friends who made me laugh.
That is all I though about last night. The tears just flowed. Out of no where. I have been fine all this week. Busy with school. But the moment I stop, it comes flooding back. Now, it is not as harsh as it used to be. But it still amazes me that this time of year makes me reflect and grieve. I have healed so much over the years and the grief is definately different than it used to be.
I know I have said this before, but the saddness I feel is the “who he would be” wonderings. Brendan would be three 1/2 and at that age of throwing fits and doing those cute things to blog about. I think he would love to play ball with daddy and roll around with the dogs. He would be sweet like dad, but stubborn like me and drive me absolutely nuts. Thus blowing my theory on having a boy first so I don’t have a “me”. He would have curly brown hair like Frank and his eyes would be blue. He would color me beautiful pictures that would only be considered amazing in my eyes. I would love to tuck him in, read him stories and quizzing him on all the preK stuff. I am a teacher after all. I would smell his clean little head after baths and rock him to sleep when he does not feel well. He would love to play with his cousins and Isaac would have a boy to hang out with.
These are the things that leave the hole in my heart and creates a longing that I can not even describe. It never goes away and is always there. I know when we have kids, this will lessen, but it will never go away. We will always be missing 1 kid. I know there will be a day when I get to throw my arms around him and spend enternity with him. But until then I just have to dream about it.
