The things I don’t write September 27, 2008

Well, I feel it. . .not as strong as past years but it is there.  Now I just have to own it and write a few lines about it.  Fall has always been my favorite time of year and I truly missed the change when I was living in the desert.  I love the colors, the crispness and the rain.  I have said many times that I am so thankful to be back in Oregon where I can enjoy this display of beauty.  But I am ignoring what I wanted to write.  Fall changed for me a few years ago.

As I was falling asleep last night my subconscious came into my conscious and saddness over came me.  It always comes out of no where and is uncontrollable.  My first thought was, four years ago today I was still pregnant.

Now if you are tired of hearing about this. . .stop reading.  This is my blog and I am owning my feelings so I can move forward in life.  If you think I should move on, then you need to move on.  I don’t know why I feel so defensive.  I guess that is just my way of standing up for myself and claiming my life.

I remember last the weekend before my world crumbled very well.  Frank went with some guys at our church to Promise Keepers and I was on my own.  I went to dinner with a friend whose husband was with mine.  I got a new bed on Sat. because the weekend before my husband had bought me a temperpedic because my back was so sore all the time.  I love that about him.  When he got home on Sat. we went to dinner with the guys of PK and their wives.  It was at my favorite cajun resturant in the desert and I remember feeling so blessed to have amazing friends who made me laugh.

That is all I though about last night.  The tears just flowed.  Out of no where.  I have been fine all this week.  Busy with school.  But the moment I stop, it comes flooding back.  Now, it is not as harsh as it used to be.  But it still amazes me that this time of year makes me reflect and grieve.  I have healed so much over the years and the grief is definately different than it used to be.

I know I have said this before, but the saddness I feel is the “who he would be” wonderings.  Brendan would be three 1/2 and at that age of throwing fits and doing those cute things to blog about.  I think he would love to play ball with daddy and roll around with the dogs.  He would be sweet like dad, but stubborn like me and drive me absolutely nuts.  Thus blowing my theory on having a boy first so I don’t have a “me”.  He would have curly brown hair like Frank and his eyes would be blue.  He would color me beautiful pictures that would only be considered amazing in my eyes.  I would love to tuck him in, read him stories and quizzing him on all the preK stuff.  I am a teacher after all.  I would smell his clean little head after baths and rock him to sleep when he does not feel well.  He would love to play with his cousins and Isaac would have a boy to hang out with.

These are the things that leave the hole in my heart and creates a longing that I can not even describe.  It never goes away and is always there.  I know when we have kids, this will lessen, but it will never go away.  We will always be missing 1 kid.  I know there will be a  day when I get to throw my arms around him and spend enternity with him.  But until then I just have to dream about it.

“Alpha Dog” September 20, 2008

Well Frankie is at the men’s retreat for church and I have the house to myself.  That usually means a fight with the dogs, but tonight things are going great.  There has always been an “alpha” dog issue with me and the dogs, but with CONSTANT practice and reminders to them, I am proud to say it is a good night.  I gave them a bunch of new toys to keep them occupied. . .well to keep Lucy occupied.  Pismo likes to snuggle with mom.  A bit ago Lucy was playing with her ball or two, or three.  She likes to play soccer with it and they constantly roll under the china hutch.  It makes me crazy!!  She is such a girl because she whines and cries when things don’t go her way.  Well I dragged the balls out once and said that is it!!!  The next time she did it, she barked at me!!  Tried the ignore thing because I was busy reading my friend Livy’s blog.  Hello!?!  Anyway I calmly got up and put my arms on my hips and said NO! Now I have a really deep voice right now because of some allergy issues, so she really paid attention.  I told her to LEAVE IT!  And she did!!!  She is now happily chewing on a bone and my little guy is cuddled up next to me.  I feel like an empowered dog owner.  She just walked over again as I finish this and I told her to leave it and it worked again.  I love it!!!!

Good bye summer. . .hello Fall September 13, 2008

I still can not believe that another year of school has started.  I find myself so excited for this year.  There is something to be said for summer break for teachers because every June I want a new profession!  I had a great summer  and now it is back to the routine.  Which I LOVE.  I am creature of habit and routine.  I love organization and things that look put together. 

I spent a lot of time organizing my classroom this year and it feels so good!.  It will definately pay off throughout the year.  It is where I spend the majority of my time so I wanted it to be very homey.  I decorating in brown, lime, teal and pink.  I brought in some lights to give the room a different lighting option.  I just feel good when I am in the room which is good because like I said I tend to “live” there during the year.  i love the whole set up of my room.  It is true that an organized environment helps children to focus and relax with their learning.  Everything has a typed and laminated tag with cute fonts for the words.   I finally feel put together and it is great when my students now right where to put their homework, Wednesday Weekly, library books and classwork.  My tags even match the colors in my room.  I know it sounds crazy, but I love it when things match!  I am a nerd. 

I have a cute group of students this year.  I was really worried about it because this group of 2nd graders is pretty rough.  But I lucked out!  I keep that on the down-low however, because the other groups are a little rowdy.   They are all a little busy, but most are ready to get into 2nd grade business.  So I guess I am happy as a teacher again. 

Cute little thing happened today.  This morning I came to school with no voice.  Well I could wisper but barely.  Anyway my little Juan (I had his sister two years ago) said to me as he patted me on the back, “Don’t worry Mrs. Falkowski, we will take good care of you!”  It was so cute because I have know him since he was a Kinder and he has the cutest personality.  He is a love and a half.  He is just a little marshmellow. . .you could just squeeze him to death! 

Anyway things are good.  Come visit me sometime. . .

Summer of fun September 8, 2008

I had such a good summer.  Even though we did not go anywhere big, it was just nice to have time to do stuff around the house.  We moved here two years ago and there were still boxes that we had not gone through.  We went through our garage and even though we still need to have a garage sale, I feel pretty good about it.  I made a list of stuff at the beginning of the summer and I actually got through the list!  (Except the garage sale).

In June we just chilled out for the last two weeks of the month.  After school gets out we just have to regroup!  We started July at Beverly Beach on the Oregon Coast with our BFFs Jen and Brian his extended family.  Even though it rained for the first 2 days, our last two days were beautiful!  We had a lot of fun playing games and eating junk food.  There was a constant fire, biking, and long walks to the beach.  That is the best beach but it was WINDY.  The first day when it RAINED, Frank and I got up and got a hot breakfast in Newport.  I remember that is was just so nice to be together and have fun with each other.  During that day the boys started a mean game of Risk.  It is such a boy game.  Taking over the “world” is the goal and I just don’t get it.  The girls played scattagories and phase 10.  I also learned a new game called hand and foot.  I did not know what I was doing but it was fun anyway.  The wind would gust and we would all cover our cards with anything close.  You use a lot of cards in this game!  We just laughed and had so much fun.  I am pretty competitive when it comes to card games, but this one I was kind of lost on so I just went with it.  I don’t really play a lot of card games because I am so competitive and I hate to lose, but I am trying to get over that!  The fun is in the journey of cards.  I just wish my Gram was still here to play with!  Even if she cheated all the time.  I never wanted to play unless I could win and if I did not understand the game, I would just get frustrated.  So now I just try to enjoy it all.   That whole weekend was a blast and can not wait for next year.  I love camping and spending time with friends. . .oh yeah and my husband.  I discoved that he is really fun to hang out with! 

I know that sounds awful, but when you spend 5 years only focusing on fertility and babies and how to build a family, your priorities get out of wack.  We both spent the summer laughing and having fun!  I love my husband and am sooooo thankful for him.  I know that he is always there for me and is just a GREAT guy.   I rediscovered how to have fun with him again.  That was cool.  Those of you who don’t understand, don’t worry our marriage was never “on the rocks” just out of focus.  I just feel grateful to have such an awesome guy by my side.  Thank you Lord! 

We spent a lot of time with Jen and Brian this summer.  Brian got layed off in May and even though that was a bummer, we all got to hang out!  God is in control of that situation and I know things will be taken care of for them.  I have known Jen since the first day of college because we were hallmates at Northwest Christian University.  It was College when we went there however!  We had a lot of dinners together and they even housesat for us when we were at Winema.

Which leads me to the next topic.  Week of Missions was so much fun this year!  My parents had been visiting before and they came down with us on the first night.  Bryce and Amy and the kids went too and it was so nice to spend time together.  We had a lot of fun just being together whether it was at the beach or Otis Cafe!  Yum-OH!  Lexi and Isaac stayed with us until Tues. and it was a blast!  It was fun to see Winema in the eyes of a child.  We ate smores and snuggled by the fire.  I loved watching Lexi go to the “big kids” program and remembered when I got to go the same program.  Isaac was not sure about his class, but after the first one, he loved it. 

Spending our yearly time with friends at WOM (Week of Missions) is the highlight of my year.  I have know these people for at least 20 years.  Most of them are younger than me so I remember them as kids, but we are all adults now and it is just cool to live with them for a week.  It is so nice to have a legacy and a tradition that I get to do every year.  It gives me identity and a since of belonging.  Winema lifers rock as well as the spouses that married into the camp.  I just can not wait to have my own children to share it with.

Which leads me to my last point.  Our first meeting for foster care is Tues. night.  I will keep it posted, along with some new info that might allow us to have our own children. . .but that is for later.

Here are some pics from the summer. . .

Dad, Liza and Frank trying to keep up!

The amazing funyak race!!

My brother with his younger two. So cute!

The champs – 2 years in a row!

My favorite munchkins!

My man with Liza

“Neener, neener, I got the ball”

Not the best picture of me but Frank sure is cute!

Setting up our new tent for the first time. Good thing Jen and Brian were around. Frank and I would have killed each other!

a little bit of random July 17, 2008

Well lets see where this post takes us. . .It was brought to my attention that I have not been blogging.  I have know this for quite sometime now but just tend to avoid the space.  Because lately what has been running through my mind is negative and no one wants that!  It is frustrating not having little stories to tell.  My life tends to be get up hang out with husband and dogs for the day and that is it.  We did go camping with friends to Beverly Beach and that was FUN.  I will post that later.  I think I don’t post because I don’t give my life enough credit.  When you don’t have kids, you feel like a 2nd class citizen at times.  You are not in the club and so life is just boring.  Those of you who don’t have kids with me you know what I mean. . .My little crew from Fultanos! 

Anyway, I just feel frustrated most of the time with life.  I know there is hope and faith and all of that stuff God promises us.  But it just does not happen in a pace which I prefer it.  I feel guilty just writing this stuff.  I have sooooo many blessings in my life to be thankful for and I am, but I feel like my husband and I can not agree totally on which move to make next.  Mostly that I don’t want to do fertility treatments anymore and he does.  At least one more time.  I would LOVE to have my own baby, but my body just doesn’t want to cooperate and I am sick of wasting money trying.  He must have more faith in the fertility meds because I don’t see it.  I am tired of this being so hard.  Why is parenthood so easy for some people and not for others.  Why does being minus children leave you feeling like you have failed somewhere in life. 

I am all up for adoption, but I want a baby.  This is just so not how I planned my life. 

See I guess I don’t post because I am afraid of people judging and getting tired of my saying the same old thing.  Even I am sick of it, but honestly. I don’t know what road to go down next.  When you don’t see eye to eye with your mate on how to have children it really sucks.  It puts me in a place that I feel so bad as if I am taking a dream away from him.  Well what about me???  I have always wanted to have a baby.  I am having to give up that dream and move on.  It sucks, but there is nothing I can do about it.  I don’t understand it and honestly can not wait to get to heaven and figure it all out. 

Well I guess this is a way for me to “put it all out there”.  I am not very good about that when it comes to really personal stuff.  I would rather just push it away, but that doesn’t work either.  I think I need to see a shrink.  Honestly the stuff that crosses my mind!   So if it bothers anyone,  too bad.  My thoughts and I own them.

New toys May 25, 2008

Well I have never thought of myself as a gadget gal, unless it is something for my kitchen.  That is where my toys are!  But yesterday I purchased a Nikon D40 SLR camera.  It is so much fun!  I can not wait to use it today at my brother’s Birthday BBQ!  There is a feeling that stirs within me when I look through the lens and capture a moment in time.  I have never thought of myself as an artisit, that was left for my brother and mom.  But through a lens I can see a beautiful image which I can make art.  Art takes place in different ways.  I like that.  

I love that I can finally get a good pic of my dogs and hopefully my 19 mo. old neice!  My old cameral was so slow they would always move before I could catch a good one.  So I am uploading some of the pics I have taken so far.  I have a feeling this will be an expensive hobby.   Who knows. . .maybe I will sell some work someday.

Frankie. . .he is the best! April 28, 2008

Ok I have always known that Frank is a geat husband, but today he has outdone himeself!  Early this morning I woke up at 2am with a fever, took some asprin and went back to sleep eventually.  But this morning I could not go to church and it was our last grief class.  Which has really helped us a lot!!  Anyway, I was really upset about missing our last class. Frank did not want me going just because of the class so I asked Frank if he would take notes in detail so I would not miss anything.  Now Frankie is not a detail person and this so I knew when he said yes it would be pushing it.  He went to church then to a family/friend thing at the bowling alley. (which I was so sad to miss)  When he came home, he had a frantic look on his face and I asked what was wrong.  He said he wanted to get the house organized and the lawn mowed but first he pulled out his DETAILED notes from our class and filled me in.  It was so great.  I have never seen him take any notes about anything except notes from a sermon.  I layed there as he is retelling the stories that our teacher shared and the little tid bits that were important.  He then went to work on the lawn and I just heard the clinking of silverware and dishes downstairs.  He is such and amazing husband and I love him so much.  We have grown so much these past few months.  When you go through what we have and start to come out on the other end, it is refreshing.  He has always done things around the house, but he said he was cleaning up because he knows that it when I start the week of unorganized it stresses me out.  Everything he does is for me.  I only hope I return the favor.

life as I know it. . .and understand it April 26, 2008

Well the last few weeks have been a roller coaster.  Who am I kidding. . .life in the past few years has been a roller coaster.  But I am learning that it is ok.  For those of you who know, we have been trying IVF in April.  Actually I was already supposed to be pregnant.  However, it did not work.  Luckily we are not out the “Big Bucks”, but it is what it is.  I did not want to tell a lot of people what we were doing because I did not want to deal with explaining another disappointment.  It looks like my uterus and ovaries are not going to work for me like they are supposed to.  I am learning to deal with that.  I have to trust that it is what the Lord wants.  I don’t understand it and don’t even think I have excepted that yet, but writing this for the world to see is the first step I guess.   I wish I had one of those blogs that could tell you about all the cool things I am doing with my kids, but you will have to deal with everything i am doing with my furry babies.  I am even thinking about turning one of my bedrooms into the doggie room!  Funny huh??  I think so.  By the way Mr. Pismo is sitting on the armrest of the recliner laying across my arms while I type, so cute. 

i just have to learn to look at my life as it is not as it isn’t.  I love my life and I am very grateful.  I have a great husband and two great dogs. 

I am seriously thinking about quitting teaching and starting a PsyD. program.  AAAHHH!  I know crazy huh?  I have felt a huge pull to do this because I want to help women and families deal with family issues.  Especially loss and fertility.  Frank thinks I am crazy because I am always planning som many things.  But i feel like this is a ministry spot for me.  I have been looking for that for a few years.  I love teaching, but I feel like I can use my gifts in a different area. 

So those are my wonderings and wanderings.

birthday presents April 5, 2008

Well I turn 36 on Monday and I can hardly believe it.  I used to think of people in their thirties were so mature and had everything figured out.  Boy was I wrong!  I never thought I would be 36 and not have kids yet.  But here I stand before the process once again.  I am oddly calm, cool, and collected about the whole thing which for me is wierd.  I feel like I am constantly praying to God that this is the right direction to go in and that i keep the focus on what is happening right now.  I keep thinking about Habbakuk and how he prayed for feet to carry him up mountains, but keep him grounded at the same time.  In my heart I feel like this time will work, but then I there is a part of my mind that can remind me of past failures.  I push them away with all that I can.  Am I crazy to be doing this invitro again??  Am I setting myself up for disappointment again??  Not that I can’t deal with it.  I have dealt with plenty so I know I have the strength.  I have hope again and that scares me.  I am hoping for birthday presents that come wrapped in a blanket. . .

Life is short March 20, 2008

I juest got a reminder how short life can be today.  One of my friends from Palm Springs died yesterday from cancer.  She was my age and had a little baby that I believe is less than two years old.  Her name was Tammy and we took our Masters together.  Her and I were really spent a lot of time studying doing projects together.  It seems so unfair.  That little baby will never know how great his mom was.  I am going to try and remember the things that I call mundane like house work and fixing dinner are things that I need to enjoy because I can do them for my family.   I don’t want to seem like I am perfect.  So far from it.  But Tammy can not do those things anymore.  I just don’t want to take anything for granted.